


Doesn't Matter

by let_love_run_red



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 21:17:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19449685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/let_love_run_red/pseuds/let_love_run_red





	1. Chapter 1

“(y/n) come on, talk to me.” Kylo begged, following you down the halls of your high school. You stopped at your locker, unlocking it before shoving your books inside and slamming the door before whirling on your heel and facing the taller senior.

“About what, Kylo?” you seethed. Kylo was taken aback at your tone. You’d never snapped at him, you’d always been his little dove. Never stood up for yourself, never talked back, and you were done.

“Listen, it isn’t what you think it is.” He said, reaching forward and taking both of your hands in one of his as he reached up and brushed your hair out of your face. You flinched away from his touch and pulled you hands out of his, folding your arms across your chest.

“Then what was it Kylo?” You snapped. Kylo gently took your face in his hands and you pulled away, catching his wrist and digging your nails in slightly. Kylo winced. You thew his wrist down before storming off down the hall. You could feel the tears pricking at your eyes. You refused to cry in front of him.

* * *

You heard the roar of the engine before the old ‘67 Impala pulled up next to you, the matte gray paint job accented with the black words “Millennium Falcon’ painted on the side just in front of the back tire. You glanced over as Kylo pulled off to the side of the road, slowing the car to a crawl to keep pace with your walk.

”(y/n) baby _please._ “ He begged. You glanced in the window and snorted before stepping further away from the car and quickening your pace. Kylo pushed down on the gas, the engine muttering along compliantly.

"Kylo, leave me alone.” You growled. Kylo sped up and pulled the car off the road in front of you, blocking your path. He quickly shut it off and jumped out of the drivers door, sliding across the hood and catching your arms.

“No. No I won’t leave you alone (y/n).” He said sincerely. You glared up at him, trying your best to pull your arms from his vice-like grip. He didn’t let you go and forcefully pulled you against his chest.

“Ben,” You hissed in a warning tone. “I swear if you don’t let me go I’ll scream. And we both know how that will look.” You growled lowly. Kylo looked down at you, startled that you’d used his real name. The only people who used that name were his grandmother and his teachers.

“(y/n), please. Just let me explain, then you can go on hating me. You can avoid me, you can slap me if you want, hell you can kick me in the balls I deserve it, but _please_ just let me try to explain.” Kylo begged. You looked up at him before huffing, shoving his hands off your arms and walking towards his car. You opened the passenger door and slid in before pulling the heavy door shut with a thud. Kylo slid back across the hood and climbed into the drivers seat before starting the car up and driving to your special place.

* * *

“So. Explain.” You said emotionlessly. You and Kylo were sitting on the hood of his car looking over the cliff that hung above the sea. Kylo took a deep breath, wringing his hands together.

“Ok first off, she started it.” He said quietly. You scoffed as you climbed off the hood, picking up a rock and dropping it off the cliffside. You counted how many seconds before it collided with the surface of the water. It landed with a satisfying plop before the roaring waves drowned out the soft sound.

“She really did. I was just talking to her. She kissed me.” He said. You looked out at the horizon. An infinite stretch of blue waves, rolling sea foam. You could see the mast of a sailboat in the distance, the outline of fishing boats, even the fluke of a whale as it surfaced for a breath. You felt as though you yourself were drowning in the sky.

“(Y/n) I swear it.” Kylo said, standing next to you. “I mean, it’s not like I didn’t necessarily want it. I mean, I don’t see why you’re so upset about it.” Kylo said. You clenched your fists at your side. You felt like adding to the scar on his face with your nails.

You wanted to yell at him, to scream why you cared. That you loved him. That you’d loved him since you two were little and you’d helped a ten year old Kylo out of the water. You’d loved him since a fourteen year old Kylo came to you crying after his father abandoned his family. You’d loved him since an excited sixteen year old Kylo had pulled up in your driveway with a beat up Chevy. You’d loved him since you helped him paint the words 'Millennium Falcon’ on the side of that Chevy. You’d loved him since the first time a drunk seventeen year old Kylo had fallen asleep on you after a party. You’d loved him since then, you’d loved him every minute of every day and you knew that he knew.

You knew that he saw the way you looked at him. You knew that he noticed the way you helped only him with homework. You knew that he knew he was the only boy you’d ever brought home to meet your parents. You knew that he knew you loved him, and he decided he could take that for granted.

“(y/n)?” He asked, breaking your train of thought. You glanced towards him, uncurling your palms and pulling your nails from your flesh.

“Please,” You said with a breathy voice. “continue.” You sat back on the hood of the car, running your thumb over a paint chip.

“Well, we aren’t a thing. I mean, I haven’t asked you. You haven’t asked me. I don’t know why you care so much. It isn’t like I’m yours and you aren’t mine.” Kylo said. You had to resist the urge to punch him in his perfect jaw. You could feel the tears pricking at the corners of your eyes.

“She’s pretty hot, I guess where I’m going with this is you don’t have any right to be angry at me (y/n). You don’t control me.” He said harshly. You felt something in your chest snap. The tears finally streamed down your face but they weren’t sad, they were hot. They burned as they rolled down your cheeks and your nails bit into the flesh of your forearms.

“No right? I dont have any _right_?” You said lowly. Kylo looked at you to see the tears.

“(y/n) I didn’t mean it like th-” You cut him off when you held your hand up.

“Well what did you mean it like _Benjamin_?!” You snapped, standing off the hood and starting to pace in front of him. Kylo flinched at your voice.

“How did you mean it? Did you mean to say I don’t matter? That you don’t care about me?” You said, throwing your hands up in the air.

“Did you mean the last seven years don’t matter? Did you mean that some blonde bimbo with space buns and a fat ass comes along and suddenly your _best friend_ doesn’t matter? That she can’t care about you?” You hissed, leaning towards him with clenched teeth.

“(y/n) pl-” You cut him off.

“I swear if you say anything else I’ll leave.” You growled. Kylo fell silent as you continued your rant.

“What did you mean? That everything I’ve done doesn’t matter? That time that you kissed me, that didn’t matter? Every time you’ve told me I love you, that was a lie? Just because neither of us made anything official that _I dont matter?_ ” You felt yourself coming to the end of your adrenaline. Kylo stood off the hood, stepping towards you with his arms open.

“(y/n),” He started. “you know I didn’t mean it like that.” He said in a whisper. You stopped and whirled to face him. You slapped him, hard. He flinched, looking to the side. He stood still as the red handprint appeared on his cheek. He deserved it.

“I told you if you said anything else I’d leave.” You whispered. Kylo looked at the ground, scuffing the toe of his black converse into the dirt by his feet. He looked up as he heard your footsteps retreating.

“(Y/n), wait!” he called, debating whether to chase you or not. You held your hand up to stave him off.

“Goodbye Ben.”


	2. Do you?

_(y/n) please_

_(Y/n) c'mon I know you’ve probably blocked my number but please listen_

_(Y/n) just talk to me_

_(Y/n)_

_(y/n)_

After awhile you’d just shut your phone off. He wouldn’t stop texting you and honestly you couldn’t care less. After a few days he seemed to have given up, stopped trying to find you in the halls and was instead following the girl with the three buns around. You thought her name was Rey.

_Good riddance._

Kylo could go suck his own dick for all you cared. He was an ass and deserved whatever karma had coming for him. But, at the same time, you found that you missed him.

You missed having him to turn to whenever your mother got out of control, you missed Kylo somehow climbing onto the portion of roof in front of your window on the second floor and scaring the crap out of you in the middle of the night.

You missed all the long calls with him when he went out of town, all the times he’d taken the long way to get ice cream just so the two of you didn’t have to part. You missed all the times he’d come over to study and fallen asleep with his head in your lap.

You missed him, so you tried to forget. You got rid of everything that reminded you of him. The bear he’d won you at the fair when you were thirteen that you’d fondly named Benny. The pictures scattered around of the two of you had been shoved in a box and given to your dad to do what he wished (You wouldn’t admit to yourself that putting your favorite picture of the two of you in that box hurt).

You tried so hard, but you couldn’t forget Kylo. He was your best friend and confidant. He was the one who had taken your first kiss, your first makeout session, your first time.

As you lay on your back on your bed your mind couldn’t help but wander to that memory. Leia was out of town on a business trip and you and Kylo had gone to his house with every intention of studying. But when he’d lowered your binder and pressed his lips against your own you couldn’t help your wandering hands.

He’d been so gentle, so unlike the Kylo you knew. It was a completely different side of him and he’d promised you that side of him belonged to you. That was before Rey came into the picture and seduced him with her rough and tumble nature and her weird hairstyles. No matter who she was as a person you couldn’t help but hate her because she had him.

You growled in frustration, slamming your face into your pillow and letting out a yell of frustration. It was one in the morning and it was the third night in a row that you hadn’t slept because your heart wouldn’t stop screaming for Kylo.

“Why do I have to love him.” You muttered into the fabric. In your frustration you thought you heard the familiar _tap tap tap_ of Kylo’s leather-glove-clad hands on your window. You groaned, wishing your mind would stop playing tricks on you until you heard it again.

You sat up, looking at your window in confusion, waiting. You heard it one more time and pulled the curtain back, tugging the string on your blinds just to see Kylo kneeling on the roof with one hand gripping the brickwork around the edges of your window as the other knocked on your window. You slid the window open and Kylo climbed in before you could say anything.

You heard the thud of his large black boots rather than saw them hit the ground. Your eyes had trouble picking out his shape in the dark. He was wearing black skinny jeans with a black hoodie, the hood flipped up over his head. You stepped back, sitting on your bed and crossing your arms.

“(y/n) I know, I’m insane for thinking you’d listen to me but please just hear me out.” Kylo begged, flipping his hood down and stepping towards you. He gripped your shoulders firmly and you winced. Kylo loosened his grip on you and you looked up at him.

“I’m listening.” You muttered. It was time you let your heart have a voice because your brain was doing nothing but making you miserable at this point.

“(y/n) she doesn’t mean anything to me. I care about you, I do. I realize I was wrong now. Rey was throwing herself at me. You’re the only one I need (y/n).” He rushed. He leaned forward to kiss you but you pulled away.

“You hurt my Kylo. You may not realize just how much, but it hurt for you to say those things Kylo.” You whispered, resting your hands on his chest. Kylo nodded almost frantically.

“I know, I know (y/n) and I regret every second of it. Every second without my best friend. I miss you, every time I see the picture of us on my desk I miss you and every time I see you in the halls I miss you and I can’t stand not having you. I can’t stand you not being mine.” He said, kneeling in front of you and burying his nose in your neck. You, on reflex, reached up and buried your hands in his hair.

“I’m yours (y/n), I love you. I’m so pissed at myself that it took me this long to realize it. Please, _please_ forgive me.” He pleaded. You gripped his hair, gently tugging his head back. He looked up at you, eyes shining in the moonlight from your open blinds.

An apology was all you wanted from him. Now that you had it logic was happy to take a backseat and allow your heart to take the lead. Which it did.

You found yourself leaning in and pressing your lips against his own. He stood straight, leaning in to your kiss and planting his hands on the bed either side of your hips. You gripped the collar of his hoodie, using it to tug him closer to you as you fell on your back. He slid up to keep your lips connected, holding himself up on his hands and knees as you slid your hands down his sides and up under the hem of his hoodie.

“I belong to you (y/n).” He whispered against your lips.

“Do you? Prove it.”


End file.
